Sunday, March 20, 2011

Show Me the Voice Contest!

Hey everyone! So Brenda Drake is having a writing contest over at her blog. The contest is called "Show Me the Voice" where writers with finished manuscripts can enter the first 250 words of their MS into the contest! For March 20-21 (yeah I'm a day behind) everyone that is entering posts their entry onto their blog and (this is where you all come in!) gets help from their followers to polish it up! So, here's my entry if any of you want to help me out and tell me what you thin/give critiques on it/ect. I only have one day now to get crits since I'm behind so any help would be much appreciated! Also, if you want to enter or learn more then check out Brenda's blog here!!


Title: The Siren Song
Genre: YA paranormal romance

I leaned back against the sand, digging my feet down passed the sun-warmed grains to the cooler layer below. Coarse sand rubbed between my toes as I wiggled them around. Toes were such strange appendages. They were kind of awkward with their knobby joints and nails that weren’t quite pretty. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever fully get used to them.

Another wave came rushing toward me and I pulled one foot out of the surf before it could wash over me. Chilly froth danced around my other ankle and sucked it deeper into the wet sand. The water crept up to where I sat and soaked into the bottom of my bikini before racing back to the ocean. The scent of the briny salt and the feel of the cool water tempted me to follow after it.

Rather than listen to the call of the ocean, I leaned back and enjoyed the feel of the warm sun on my skin while it dried my wet hair. I propped my calf onto my other leg, letting my foot dangle off of the bend my knee made. Toes adorned with chipped blue nail polish stared back at me before my gaze travelled up to my legs. Tan and athletic legs that felt as foreign as they did familiar.

Feet and legs were useful, though. You could walk, run, and jump with them. Best of all, they kept me—us—hidden from the humans; made them think we were just like them.


(p.s.- I have no idea why every other paragraph isn't indented. ??)

*edit*-I just realized I wasn't a day behind! lol. I did this late Saturday night but it was actually Sunday morning so when I checked the date and didn't realize it already switched (since, duh it was Sunday) I thought Saturday was the 20th! lol That's what I get for not sleeping when I should. Also thanks to everyone who has given me feedback already! I really appreciate it!

17 comments:

  1. LOVE this voice! Also, your descriptions are spot on. I literally feel like I am back home in So Cal on the beach. Awesome job! I'm guessing from the concentration on toes, feet, etc.. that these are new things to this character? (I could be wrong, that's just what I inferred.) Very nice job! Oh, I *think* (again, could easily be wrong!) in the first sentence, it should be "past" not "passed".

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  2. You're right about the 'past'! Thanks for pointing that out to me! And yeah, feet/toes/ect. aren't exactly new but also not her natural form. :) Thanks for reading and for the comment!

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  3. Wonderful voice! I learned so much about your character through this! Love how she finds toes odd appendages, and I love digging my feet into the cooler layer of sand too! You've described everything perfectly, right down to the foreign yet familiar legs. I'm sorry for being unhelpful, but I really don't see anything that needs changing!

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  4. I like this - my favourite part was the telling detail of the blue nailpolish.
    Jan Morrison

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  5. I thought the voice was awesome! It's the perfect voice for a teen. I love your description since it really pulled me into the story. I felt as though I could feel everything the MC was feeling. Fir a moment, I though things may be a teensy bit over described by the third chapter, but seeing your comment about how the legs/toes aren't her natural form, I see why you focused on it so no complaints there. Great job!

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  6. I love the descriptions! Beautiful...It was like I was there. My only suggestion was that it took me until the fourth paragraph to learn something was unusual about the main character...

    Lovely voice!

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  7. I love the last sentence of your first paragraph. That's what put in my mind that something was up with your protag. I enjoyed reading everything you wrote here, but I would have liked to see some kind of action in this first 250, even if it was a sand crab pinching her "new" toes.

    Nice voice!

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  8. Nice voice, I love it. Your descriptions are absolutely beautiful. I enjoyed reading it and it makes me want to know what's going to happen next.

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  9. I kept thinking of The Little Mermaid as I read this. Flipping your fins you don't get too far/legs are required for jumping, dancing...

    That song is going to be stuck in my head all night now :) The voice is great and I'm a total sucker for beautiful beach descriptions!

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  10. Great voice and being a Southern California native I'm an absolute sucker for waterfront stories and am constantly amazed that in a paranormally prolific genre like YA we don't see more siren/selkie/sea shape shifter stories. So I'm always happy to see a well written one with promise! Your voice and descriptions were great, and I loved her fascination with her toes because it so is what she would be focusing on. The only thing I would review is your last line, as it feels a little too blunt to mesh with the rest of your exerpt. You do such a great job of introducing us to your MC and leading us to the right conclusions as to her nature that its almost a bit overkill to end this part with spelling out like you do that she's not human and is for whatever reason hiding amongst them pretending to be one.

    But that's just my totally subjective opinion! Just something to think about but either way I love this. Great work!

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  11. Great hook and descriptions. Since the line about toes pulls you in more than anything, I would have liked to hear it a lot sooner. Also, the descriptions get to be a bit much and I'd like the plot to start sooner, but I'd like you to keep them because they're beautiful. Maybe you can weave them into the action or dialogue that's coming up?

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  12. Love the descriptions -- now that I think about it, toes ARE weird... :) Although I do love the voice in this, and that's what this contest is about, I do wish there was just a hint or two of more action here, something to hint at where the story's going to hook the reader sooner... Just a thought!

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  13. You do a great job of settling us into the place and her character, but I have to agree with Ellen that we should have just a hint of an upcoming conflict.

    Good luck with the contest!

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  14. I really like this! I especially like the chipped blue nail polish detail as well! Very descriptive. I could 'see' it all :) Wish I could read more ;)

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  15. It should be toes are such...

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  16. Coming in sort of late, but randomly chose your name from submission list (seeing another Christina grabbed me!;-))

    Great piece, very captivating, and I agree with the previous post that there is not nearly enough mermaid stories out there!

    One small thing to note is you have her leaning back in both the first and third paragraphs.

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  17. Thanks to everyone for all the advice and comments! It really helped! Hopefully I've made my beginning stronger now.

    Also, Kalen & Christina and anyone else looking for siren/selkie/mermaid stories, don't worry! From what I understand there are quite a few coming out in the new couple years!

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